In the spirit of the Mini Book Review trending about the web, I thought to write my own (rather sarcastic, or it that, scathing?) mini movie reviews. You’ve been warned, there are …

SPOILERS AHEAD.

Murder on the Orient Express — A movie in which twelve suspects of varying social status have three minutes of screen time to convince Kenneth Branagh—er, I mean, Poirot—that they are not the killer of Johnny Depp’s despicable character and the obvious bad guy.

With a waveringly bad accent, the heroic Hercule Poirot confronts the suspects—who are artfully arranged at a table in the mouth of the train tunnel to look like Da Vinci’s Last Super—and recounts a series of events in flashback to solve the mystery.

And … they all did it.

3 Billboards outside Ebbings, Missouri — A foul-mouth red-neck woman hurls abuse at the town’s Sheriff and his inept, racist department for not finding her daughter’s killer. In a last ditch effort to get the dying Sheriff to find a clue, she rents three billboards to get her message across. More swearing and ultra violence ensues before the Sheriff blows his brains out, and a disgraced deputy miraculously over-hears someone bragging in a bar of his rape conquest.

Disgraced deputy and foul-mouthed woman team up, and go on a road-trip to murder the bragging rapist.

Lady Bird — A dull, coming of-age movie in which the two central characters of a mother and daughter hurl derogatory abuse at one another. Where the character of Christine ‘Lady Bird,’ a senior at Catholic high school about to graduate and go to college, acts like a self-centred spoilt child in a series of lack-lustre vignettes. The two best of which are wasted in the trailer for the movie to make you think this is a comedy. It isn’t.

Dunkirk — A long, slow, and violent look at the evacuation of 400,000 Allied troops from the beaches at Dunkirk, via three interwoven threads, confusingly mixed at random. With a total lack of regard to any continuity, we see disturbing images of men drowning, men being blown up, men running along a beach. Men waiting in long lines out in the open, waiting to be shot at by the enemy. Men screaming and jumping off sinking ships, and drowning in long drawn out sequences to heroic, and very jarring music.

There is little or no credible dialogue, as there are few speaking parts. One of which is Kenneth Branagh as a Naval Officer stood on a pier looking heroically out to sea, or to the sky, for deliverance. There is none … for him, or for us.

And there you have it, of course, this is all just my opinion. No popcorn was harm in the writing of these scathing reviews.

The English-dubbed Mexican show, Bandidos, about a group of desperate friends and frenemies coming together to find lost Spanish treasure, turned out to be an absolute comedy gem.

Full of action and fun, this one had me laughing at the group’s antics as they try to outwit the bad guys and get to the treasure first. All-in-all, a thoroughly enjoyable romp through the Mexican countryside.

I’m really looking forward to jumping in and watching season 2.

This Scottish drama The Island is set on one of the Hebridean islands and centres on a dysfunctional family with secrets. The head of this family just happens to be the Lord of the Manor whose wife is brutally murder.

What unfolds is a fairly slow, meandering story of lies, deceit, and betrayals all of which lead to an obvious conclusion. That said, the scenery was magnificent. The acting, however, was a tad earnest. Not bad if you have nothing else to watch.

In total contrast to how bored we were watching Reptile the other night, we were fully engaged with the horror-tinged action thriller, The Gorge. The premise is comic-book to be sure, and the whole section they were actually in the Gorge was memorable. But only because we both sat there having a good laugh at the really bad monsters.

But what made this fun and watchable were the two main characters, perfectly acted by Miles Teller and Anya Taylor Joy. It felt like they had good chemistry onscreen and the banter was fun and lightweight. While the action didn’t overwhelm the duo’s dynamics.

Grab a bag of popcorn and just enjoy this one for what it is, implausible fun.

We started watching The Bombing of Pan Am 103 a BBC coproduction showing on Netflix. We’re 3 episodes in this 5-part mini series and, let me tell you, it’s gripping and tense in a documentary style way, with scenes of real footage intercut between the dramatisation of the event and aftermath.

This one is both a little chilling but nonetheless, compulsive viewing. Also, I was surprised by a number of things I learned last night that I never knew about about the crash and subsequent inquiry.

We’ll watch the last 2 episodes tonight.

A family of four are suddenly sealed inside their home with no way out, and must work together to survive against both their dwindling resources and the mysterious, looming threat that is keeping them trapped.

The premise for The Last House, a new movie showing on Netflix, made me hope for a good Hitchcock thriller, where it is more about what you don’t see than what you do. And, to begin with, this one started off good enough but sadly, fizzled out midway through as there was just not enough tension or palatable fear.

Throw in the fact the ending was nothing short of head-scratching, and the monster element a little weak, and what you have is, at best, a lacklustre attempt at a horror movie that falls short. Very short.

Last night we watched the overly long movie, Reptile over on Netflix. At 2 hours plus this felt like it could have been 90 minutes and it would still have felt like it was too long. Why? An overly meandering storyline that, quite frankly, failed dismally to go anywhere. The conclusion stilted to the point it was left hanging in midair, unresolved. And the final scene? Bizarre by anyone’s standards of out there weird. That’s two hours of my life gone.

If I were you, I would slither on over to find something better, elsewhere.

It took a while to get there after meandering all over the place. But season 2 of Dan Fogelman’s series, Paradise finally got there in the end. That is, after what feels like a complete change of direction mid season. A pivot that cleared away half the cast and, along with it, any lingering doubt that this was just a post-apocalyptic drama. Now taking on elements of a fully-fledged scifi thriller.

Will it deliver in season 3? That remains to be seen. I can only hope so.

Looking for something to watch last night (as I’m in between books) I watched the 2014 version of Godzilla starring Ken Watanabe, Brian Cranston and a very short lived, Juliette Binoche. I have a really big soft spot for Godzilla movies and so, given they’re all slightly different, and aim for different things, it’s really hard to pick a favourite.

I love this version for it’s non-stop action. It really doesn’t let up much in the way of excitement, which I have to admit, can get a bit chaotic at times. But, in the end, it delivers a satisfying fun roller coaster ride with our hero, Godzilla, swimming off into the sunset.

What’s fun about this movie — and it took me a while to realise this — is that Apple’s Monarch: Legacy of Monsters series is based off this film. With that in mind, last night’s viewing was a little more thoughtful as I saw different elements in another light, and where certain events then pop up in the subsequent TV series.

All in all, a fun frantic ride on the back of a monster. Godzilla for the win.

I forgot to ask everyone this morning, but who here watched the season opener of Dark Matter over on Apple this weekend?

Anyone? And, of course, what did you think of it?

I’m not going to lie, I struggled at the best of times to get through season 1 and then, at the end, shrugged and wondered why I bothered. It wasn’t exactly riviting TV. In fact, the exact opposite.

It all felt like so much of a missed opportunity to do something either down right chilling, or at the very least, mildly creepy. But instead, the scifi aspect of the whole thing is downplayed to focus on this idiot guy played by an actor I’m not really fond of. I mean, come on, the man has the expression of a dog waiting in the pound to be put out of its misery.

So no, before you ask, I won’t be bothering to watch out the season. To be frank, I really don’t give a damn where he and his family end up. It’s always going to be Chicago from the looks of it. And probably an unpleasant one at that.

Dull and derivative.